Tired

I just deactivated my Facebook account for the first time just now.

I always thought that when if ever it came to this point, something would propel me to stop and rethink my decision. On the contrary, it was quick and painless. I haven’t been his certain about a decision in a long time. Facebook was never a grand concern to me, it’s not at the forefront of my list of concerns. I mainly used it to feed the little voyeuristic curiosity residing in me. most of the time, certain posts would provoke me to lose faith in humanity. Tonight in particular, I surrendered to frustration. I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I need a break from social media, and other things that sway conscious decisions.

A friend told me a few months back that I’ve been losing myself. Back then, I gave no merit to her statement and thought that it was spite or jealousy that drove her to make that statement. I continued on the path I was going on, with the thought that every decision I’ve made thus far has been out of my own volition. In retrospect, she may have been right about losing a part of myself. I feel as though I’ve been moved from my equilibrium, and disoriented with no sight of where to go.

I’ve always heard people tell me to, “always be yourself.” I don’t even know myself anymore.Do I have the same wants and needs as before? Do I still have the right motivation and reason to strive towards my dreams? Have I changed for myself, or to please someone else? The past few months have changed me so much that I don’t even know which decisions were from my own accord, and from that of external influences. In my desire to please the people dear to me, I’ve lost track of the things I used to find so much pleasure in before. Perhaps changing was for the better, perhaps my life needed to be amended to right my wrongs. However, there’s a little voice inside my head that echoes, “Are you sure?”

And so it has come to this. I’m taking a break from Facebook, and other social media in which I used to partake. I’m trying to re-evaluate who I am, and if I even like the person I am becoming. I don’t want to be motivated by the “likes” or complimentary comments by peers and friends. I do not want to fall prey to the emperor’s clothes; I do not want to be blinded from believing what I know to be true just because other people say so otherwise. I think times like these are necessary to stop ourselves from spiraling out of control, and even further into demise. I’ve quoted this time and time again, but it truly is a necessary reminder sometimes: Make it thy business to know thyself, which is the most difficult lesson in the world” (Cervantes, Don Quixote.) I am under construction, and testing if my foundation is still build on solid ground. I hope that the little break will shed some light on the answers I’m trying to find.

I’m okay… or at least that’s what I try to convince myself…

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